Loveliest Days

a fresh start

2012-02-10T09:56:00.003-05:00

I have decided to move on to a new space on the internet. A fresh start if you will.

Plus, this blog title's incorrect grammar has always bothered me ;)

You can now find me posting a little bit of this and a little bit of that over at

Our Lovely Days.

Hope to see you there!

moving forwards and backwards all at the same time.

2012-02-08T17:45:00.004-05:00

I did it.

I picked up the phone and made an appointment to see a fertility dr.

I wanted so very much to somehow avoid this emotional loop de loop, but that was not meant to be.

Almost as soon as Nora was born, lurking in the corner was the fact that we would someday be confronted with this issue again. My husband and I talked about trying almost immediately. But, I just could not. Could not take the chance that this time, nature would laugh right at me, and bless me immediately with what I wanted for so long.

When Nora turned one, my head was ready, but my heart was not. Each and every time it came down to it, I balked. I tend to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but, I was not ready to face another string of negatives. All the disappointment. The trying so very hard to keep your emotions in check, only to have your hopes inevitable rise. Sigh.

Finally, after a few more months passed, I realized that I really want another baby. Want him or her enough to go through whatever it is that awaits us this time around.

We gave it a while on our own. But, my belly is still empty.

I am hoping a new doctor will have new insights, new solutions, new hope.

And, so it begins. again.

Hello, again.

2012-01-18T15:44:00.004-05:00

Long time, no chat, internet.

Well, that's not entirely true. You see, I did step away from long hours sitting at a desk, tethered to a computer, when I left my job. But, I found that in my new state of footloose and fancy freeness I needed a phone. So, I did the only sensible thing and got an iPhone. It's a handy little thing. And, what I love about it above all else is its camera. And instagram. It is good. So very good.

So, thanks to my phone, here's a peek of my little lady since June. She is quite something.

Oh, and we're trying to have another one.

It's not off to a great start.

New Endeavor

2011-06-20T11:00:00.003-04:00

This year has been a year of change. Not just for my daughter or our family, but for me personally. I have struggled with my identity and my role. I have felt stretched in ways that left me feeling not altogether great. I was left with the choice of continuing to complain about the way things are or actually doing something about it.

Of course, this is much easier to say than to do. Change can be scary. And I was scared of this change.

But when it is the right change, you find the courage.

I have decided to leave my current job to start on a new adventure. I have been working towards this change for a while now. And I could not be more excited.

I am reposting my very first post on that website because it says much better there what I am trying to say here:

"Part of the magic of childhood is that anything is possible. You can dream dreams as high as the sky and there is nothing to stop you from reaching them. At least, that was my very fortunate experience. But like many dreamers, I have stayed safely tethered to the ground by some tugging of obligation and security to take a more conventional career path.

I like my chosen profession, I do. But, since the birth of my daughter, it has become very clear to me that I do not love it. Having a child has caused me to reevaluate a lot about my life and how I spend my time. I realized that I need to do what I love and not settle for something that is just okay. I have also discovered a real love of photography. Of capturing that quiet moment. That sweet smile. That perfectly imperfect thing that is life. It is both exciting and daunting to go about trying to live life on my own terms. Fortunately, I have heaps of encouragement and support from that same family that is inspiring me to make these changes."

So, if you have a spare moment, please come on over and take a peak.

www.meaghancurryphotography.com

Happy Birthday Baby!

2011-06-12T20:40:00.010-04:00

Nora almost missed her party.

A bug bit her underneath her eye and it swelled.

and swelled and swelled.

It wasn't an allergic reaction, but rather an infection from the bite. We went to the doctor on Friday (the day that I was supposed to get everything done), but were back again on Saturday morning (sorry to the guests that arrived to no hosts). Fortunately, the antibiotics started working and we were saved from having to sing happy birthday in the e.r.

While her party might not have gone at all as I was picturing it in my head, it was the perfectly imperfect celebration of this little one.

Nora Is ONE!

2011-06-09T13:01:00.007-04:00

I hope that you will forgive my absence. Perhaps posting a video will help make amends?

My baby is ONE this Sunday.

It was easily the most difficult and most incredible year of my life.

Time seemed to both creep and fly at the same time.

My heart burst open daily.

Baby girl, the light within me bows to the light within you.

Happy Birthday

If I'm Being Honest

2010-12-10T12:51:00.008-05:00

I am generally an optimist.

I have an easy baby.

It was really difficult to conceive this easy baby.

I think these are some of the reasons why I choose to focus on the more delightful moments here on this blog. But, before I leave you thinking that motherhood is nothing but sunshine and giggles, let me share some of the *other side* of things. If I'm being honest:

Let's start nightmare that was my postpartum follow-up dr. appointment. Ironically, it had nothing to do with me or my third degree tear, but rather my seven week old hellion. When we arrived, she was napping in her car seat, so I thought that everything might work out. ha! N woke up a few minutes after going inside. The doctor was running late. I paced the waiting room with a crying baby for what seemed like forever, before finally asking for a place to go feed her. For the first time EVER, my little one wouldn't settle enough to eat. Well, actually she managed to eat just enough to throw up all over herself and my back. The doctor comes in, is kind enough to hold N while I awkwardly strip down. Babe's still screaming, the doctor's trying to ask me questions, I'm holding the hellion, sweating profusely from all of the stress. After the fastest exam ever, I am left with a hysterical baby and no pants. The doctor has fled the room and literally slipped a prescription for birth control under the door, no doubt in an attempt to preserve her ears from the the crying. crying. crying. I think that we left all of the ladies at in office reconsidering whether to have children. Cue a huge thunderstorm to soak mom and baby. FINALLY we get back home, but not before we have her first diaper blow out. in her car seat. of course. once we were beyond the moment, i had to laugh. otherwise, i might have cried. alright maybe i did cry. a little. The lesson learned on that afternoon was to always keep wine in the house.

Second, being back at work is not going that well. I know that it's early, but it is hard. Nora's been sick almost constantly since starting daycare. Then, the second week back, I found out that I'm going to be on a case that is basically going to *own* my life for the next six months. I think I was sort of living in denial about the work life balance and then reality set in. or crashed down. The hardest part was the first night that I didn't see my babe at all. And because of this case, I know there are going to be more days like that one. many. I basically turned into a puddle of tears when I got out of the car. I still have no balance. at all. sometimes I don't even have weekends.

Third, can I really blame my baby for being unable to remember ANYTHING anymore. It doesn't really feel fair, but . . . I've driven into work with her carseat, knowing that my husband needed it to take her to a doctors appointment. Without fail, EVERYDAY, I forget some piece of my pump. Be it a storage cap, a flange, the power cord. And just last week, after being on a conference call and making it through seven hours (yup, you read that right) and two pumping sessions just fine, just minutes before the call wraps my co-worker says "someone might want to mute their phone as there are STRANGE NOISES."

Don't really know how to wrap up the. longest. post. ever.

except to say that motherhood is many, many things and one of them is hard.

and it's good to be honest.

Bright + Merry

2010-12-08T12:42:00.002-05:00

Nora wanted to wish you a very bright and merry holiday season. And there's nothing that says happy holidays more than a nekid babe!!

Time is flying by as this kid is just about six months old. SIX months!!! And I am surely biased, but this is an amazing little baby - she's rolling, sitting for a bit before the inevitable topple, holding her own bottle, giggling (oh, how I love the giggling), eating all manner of fruits and veggies, completely enamoured with our two pups, just the bees knees really.

I only wish that we got to spend more time together (damn you career) and well, that maybe she didn't have so many diaper leaks (damn you sweet potatoes).

Though the wheels continue to turn on alternative employment possibilities . . .

mmm, avocado

2010-10-28T22:02:00.003-04:00

long time, no post

2010-10-22T19:40:00.008-04:00

It's been a while since I've been back here. I suppose that sometime during pregnancy my need to vent/share/release faded and so did my posting. I kept wanting to update this space, but was never able to figure out what to share.

But, rest assured, we are a happy little family of three

(or five with pups)

Maybe I'm finding myself back here tonight because, aside from the fact that we are still trying to find a babysitter, I am just shy of returning to work. It's making me all sorts of out of sorts.

I kind of suspected that I wouldn't exactly be thrilled to return. I actually do like my job and it will be nice to get up, wear some proper clothes, talk to adults and little N is going to be in a fantastic place, BUT, I am just not ready.

Bah.

I have also been wrestling with part-time vs. full-time. I was nearly set on returning four days a week, but then I see my co-worker who is at the office (or on some conference call from home/playground/soccer game) nearly every Friday, certainly billing FT hours, but being compensated at a PT salary.

Double Bah.

I've gone back and forth and back and forth and decided to return full-time.

Bah. Bah. Bah.

I did, however, sign up for a adult ed. class to learn photoshop.

It's nice to be back!

sunshine

2010-07-22T17:19:00.004-04:00

seriously now.

nearly four weeks

2010-07-09T16:44:00.004-04:00

for what I'm lacking in words, I hope that I make up for in pictures

sweetness

2010-06-17T16:46:00.003-04:00

Here's a better glimpse at our little lady. So far, things have been pretty dreamy. I will be sure to write more later, but right now having my mother and mother-in-law here are tuckering me out more than a newborn!

An introduction is in order

2010-06-15T07:48:00.004-04:00

Let me please introduce you to Nora James.

She came into this world at 11:37 p.m. on June 12th, weighing a respectable 6 lbs 14.5 ounces.

We love her so much it hurts.

a favor

2010-06-10T08:18:00.005-04:00

(via flickr)

I've said it before - this blog has been so wonderful to me. When we were struggling to start our family, it was such a necessary outlet and strong source of support. And after we were fortunate enough to move past that trying time, it has been a space to share such happiness.
So thank you.

and

I was hoping that I could impose on you once again . . .

I'm in the process of putting together a bit of a playlist to get me through labor and those first couple of sleepless weeks. A sort of soothing soundtrack for both me and the babe.

I could really use your help.

If you have any suggestions for songs I would welcome them with open arms!

thanks.

Full Term

2010-06-04T10:16:00.002-04:00

A few days ago, we reached a milestone -- This babe is full term.

I cannot tell you how happy I am to have reached this point.

Now if we could only decide on a name.

lost it?

2010-05-28T12:44:00.005-04:00

via (free people)

Despite the fact that this memorial weekend heat wave has brought about a downright frightening pair of cankles, I cannot stop lusting after these shoes.

Sanity where have you skipped off to . . .

behind

2010-05-26T12:09:00.003-04:00

I feel like I am behind in everything.

Normally, it wouldn't bother me - there is always tomorrow.

but this bun is just about done baking and the behindedness is weighing on me.

I realize this feeling is mostly due to the fact that I have a mental list of *things to get done* that just keeps growing regardless of how many items get accomplished.

I'm going to have to just accept that we're never really going to be ready for our new arrival and that is alright.

We have gotten heaps done though like:

*Finishing the nursery but for some shelving and a seemingly elusive rug

*Painting our master bedroom gray (love it)

*Convincing my husband that we *needed* to sell our perfectly fine master bed on
craigslist and replace it with the absolutely amazing edlund poster bed from ikea
*Beginning the process of taming our jungle backyard

*Lots of other impressive stuff that is currently escaping me

Oh, and at week 36 (I'm behind on the belly shots) the dilation and effacing has begun. Though, I'm convinced that I'll still be puttering about very much pregnant at week 41.

is that a torpedo in your belly . . .

2010-05-03T08:35:00.003-04:00

newest corner of my home

2010-04-09T12:34:00.004-04:00

Last weekend, I woke up early and came into the nursery. The light in the mornings is so soft and inviting. I sat in the rocker and tried to imagine what our lives will be like ever so soon

walls

2010-04-01T12:44:00.001-04:00

Slowly, but surely we are making progress on where our babe will lay down her head. There was a time before I actually got pregnant, back when was blissfully ignorant to just how long it would take, when I used to day dream about decorating the nursery. I scouted blogs and magazines, stockpiling images and ideas. So many ideas. And then with each negative month after month, my hope faded, as did my enthusiasm for infant interior design.

A few weeks ago, and more than halfway through this pregnancy, I finally felt comfortable enough to get excited again.

This is really happening.

We bought a crib and then a dresser. Last weekend, my husband painted the walls. It's certainly still a work in progress, but I know at the end it's going to be such a perfect space.To help bring that space together, I've been sourcing some art.

Here's what I've decided on so far:

(the most precious baby animal prints from sharon montrose)

(an amazing mobile from Flensted)
(a beatiful print from Rifle Paper Co. I bought thank yous in the same design to use after my shower and asked if I could get the design in a larger format for the nursery. Indeed I could)

(clementine print from Jamie Shelman)

(alphabet cards in the loveliest colors from Ida Pearle)

week 26

2010-03-19T10:38:00.003-04:00

This one's called "Blurry: late for work"

love

2010-03-18T16:43:00.005-04:00

(not sure of the source)

Just too cute.

Makes you smile, doesn't it!

babymoon

2010-03-10T17:34:00.007-05:00

we took a little trip to Mexico and it was as good as it looks.

toes in the sand, belly in the sun.

bliss.

week 21

2010-02-13T08:51:00.003-05:00

a little straight on, bare belly . . .

stir crazy

2010-02-12T10:06:00.003-05:00

Because it looked like this for most of the week

we spent way too much time here.

It was fun in the beginning.

more banana pancakes, a saints superbowl win, cozy fires...

but, the novelty soon wore off.

So glad to be getting back to normal.

Blizzard Belly Shot

2010-02-06T12:55:00.005-05:00

So, it's snowing here in DC. Really snowing.

I thought that I'd memorialize the storm for the little one.

Happy 21ish weeks baby!

It's a

2010-02-03T14:52:00.003-05:00

found (here)

GIRL

bring on the bloomers

guest appearance

2010-01-29T12:57:00.004-05:00

For this week's belly shot, we have a special guest appearance by my husband.

His excitement over this baby (and is he ever excited) just melts my heart.

so little, but so loved.

affirmations

2010-01-27T16:17:00.003-05:00

via (just jenny)

The most amazing thing has been happening over the past couple of days.

I can finally feel the babe kicking.

incredible.

outfitting

2010-01-20T12:03:00.008-05:00

Recent purchases for the babe

I've been massively restrained when it comes to buying things for the little one. We still don't know if we're having a little boy or a little girl, so that helps. I'm just about to embark on researching items for our registry. The practical stuff, like car seats and monitors. But I couldn't resist these two less practical, but perfectly gender-neutral items when I stumbled upon a giant sale the other week. The blanket is oh so soft and I'm a sucker for bunting. We find out the gender in a couple of weeks and once we know, I know that my restraint will dissolve.

Recent purchases for me

A combo of some maternity and non-maternity items that I've found (mostly, all steeply discounted). I've been struggling to find clothes that still feel like me and my bump isn't even that prominent yet. These items are simple, comfortable and are exactly what I would wear even if I wasn't pregnant. The dress is for a little getaway that we just booked. We are both in desperate need of a vacation and I'm so looking forward to our trip.

Just have to hold out to early March.

2010-01-16T09:17:00.003-05:00

Happy Weekend!

We have friends visiting from out-of-town, so I'm looking forward to much french toast, laughs and likely playing tourist in my own city.

Above is a week 17ish (nearly 18 wk) belly shot. Too bad my rear is outpacing my belly!

yikes.

blanket

2010-01-15T14:30:00.004-05:00

via (me)

Oh my. It's been so long that I nearly forgot how to post pictures. It took three attempts, but slowly, it all came back.

These shots are a bit dated, from right before the holidays when DC was washed with snow. It was glorious.

We knew it was coming so the evening before, a Friday, we braved the just-before-Christmas-rush and picked up all manner of holiday delights including a tree and its trimmings, presents for the family, groceries, etc. all in an attempt to make our home a little more cheery for our guests.

That next morning we woke up to a very thick blanket of white. We suited up and took our dogs to the neighborhood dog park for a rolicking good time. We came home and had pancakes and hot chocolate for breakfast. A breakfast that was so good, we repeated it for the next two days.

I don't think that we left the house that Saturday. Content to set up twinkle lights, make homemade soup with garden fresh (um, frozen) herbs, listen to Christmas music and build a toasty fire. Despite my previous complaints that there was so much that we needed to get done before our family came to town, it was so good to pause.

White Christmas

2009-12-18T09:52:00.005-05:00

This Christmas, all of my family--well most of my family--is coming to town. Now that we finally have enough room, we're hosting for the holidays. I would be thrilled about it, but right before Thanksgiving, my work more or less exploded. Meaning that we haven't done a single thing.

No tree, no ornaments, no lights, no menu, not to mention a serious lack of furniture

We were planning on sorting it all out this weekend. Sure, a little last minute, but at least it was a plan. That was until my husband came told me, with nothing but delight in his voice, that it could snow up to 10 inches tomorrow. Now this is DC, so there's still the very likely chance that we'll get no snow at all, but if things go the way they have been going for me over the last couple of weeks, we're going to have a can't-leave-your-home-to-do-your-900-errands kind of a blizzard. Goodbye plan.

I'm thinking that our decorations (with or without a snow squall) are going to be a bit lackluster, so I'm going to need to distract our dear guests with food and drink. And since they may be eating it on the floor, it's going to have to be really delicious food and drink.
Does anyone have any really tasty holiday recipes they'd like to share to help a seriously floundering gal out?

*************************************************************************************

Above are some shots of my burgeoning belly. I was diligently documenting it each week, but took a hiatus when it seemed that nothing much was changing. Now that I can no longer comfortably fit into my pants, I figure it's time to break out the camera again . . .and yes, that is the mouse keeping me company.

emerging

2009-12-14T09:17:00.004-05:00

via (lotte scott)

Hello. So nice to see you again. It was far too long, but, I needed to take that break from posting.

I suppose that I didn't really know how I would react to being pregnant.

I'm typically quite an optimistic person and I attribute that to my uncanny ability to compartmentalize any worry and more or less brush it aside.

But the worry associated with this particular little bean was unshakable. Really rather consuming. I've basically been a bit of a wreck. Compounded by the fact that we were keeping it all a secret from family and friends.

But, the secret is out.

And at nearly thirteen weeks, I'm feeling the anxiety loosen. Maybe it was because we saw the little one wave to us during this last sonogram, or because my belly is starting to round out, but it's all starting to feel real. real enough that I can begin writing about it again.

here's a little picture with some handy little labels:

perfect

2009-11-05T10:34:00.009-05:00

via (danske)

I was so nervous sitting on the table right before our second ultrasound.

my heart was racing, my stomach in knots (but, also oddly feeling like it was floating), adrenaline coursing.

then the words I have been longing to hear

"perfect"

we have a perfect little, tiny baby.

with a perfect little, tiny heartbeat ticking away at 134 beats/minute.

a heartbeat!

and no clot.

no clot!

there were numerous congratulations and handing off of paperwork as I now am a "normal" patient.

normal patients graduate to normal obgyns.

finally.

missing

2009-11-03T07:59:00.003-05:00

I apologize for the abrupt hiatus.

We spent the end of last week moving and our computer got boxed up a bit earlier than expected so I could not provide an update.

Before, I continue, I am still very much pregnant and for that I am most thankful. However, the ultrasound was not the magical moment I had hoped it would be. First, it was rushed. So rushed. And they didn't turn the screen all the way, so I could hardly get a look. And the nurse? said there's a pocket of fluid without providing much information. Then the RE was all concerned about the date of my last period (completely arbitrary date). I couldn't exactly remember, but I told them the date I ovulated (not an arbitrary date). She could have cared less. Bah. It was a mess.

We left the appointment with a photo of our fetal pole and a feeling of uneasiness. I got back to my office and started to google the bits of what I understood the fluid to be - a subchorionic hemorrhage. google was not reassuring. basically it is a blood clot that can either get reabsorbed by my body or cause a lot of havoc. lovely. it is also the likely culprit behind my early spotting.

After thoroughly frightening myself, I called the Dr.'s office looking for some answers. Mainly, what exactly is my little fluid abnormality called? How large is it? Should I be concerned? Anything that I should/should not be doing?

My google diagnosis was correct, it is a subchorionic hemorrhage. We are in and I quote "grey zone" and get to go back weekly for more ultrasounds in order to track the clot.
I've been having talks with my belly. Willing the clot to be absorbed and the poppy seed (now roughly a blueberry) to stick around.

Our next ultrasound is Thursday. Hope to hear some less "grey" news.

tomorrow

2009-10-27T16:55:00.005-04:00

via (saranorris)

Tomorrow morning is our very first ultrasound.

I was devestated many months ago when I had to have an ultrasound knowing full well that there was only emptiness in my uterus.

I am wishing this time will be so very different.

I anticipate that there may be tears.

but, hopefully, it will be because I am simply awed by what we see.

reprieve

2009-10-21T13:44:00.008-04:00

via (Lina)

I got a call from my nurse

my number is *beautiful*

more than doubled

suprisingly, a sense of relief did not wash over me.

Just a feeling of *for now*

Because as long as I continue to see spotting

this feeling pulling at my heart will not leave

it could so easily all go away.

I truly appreciate all of your comments, prayers and good thoughts. They mean so much to me.

2009-10-20T19:29:00.006-04:00

shit.
more spotting.
please go away.
please.
another beta tomorrow morning.

oh boy.

2009-10-19T13:25:00.008-04:00

via (emersonmade)

I couldn't help myself. I just could not. After hearing the good word from my nurse last Thursday, I could not control the compulsion to purchase this little mouse. As a gift. For our baby. Something about that cute little belly and flopped ear. I don't know. I told you, I couldn't help myself.

Then the weekend rolled around and my husband took off to Alaska for a business trip until Friday. I drove him to the airport early on Sunday morning. Later that morning, I was in the loo and I *swore* that I saw some tinged discharge (I still have to pop these progesterone supplements and they discharge. oh boy, do they discharge). I *did* see tinge.

Next, I became a wreck for the following reasons:

One: Nothing. Ever. Good. Comes. From. Spotting. At least not my spotting. I've had a lot of it, so I'm something of a spotting expert and I fear spotting. Fear it a lot.

Two: There was no one for me to tell. No one at all. We haven't shared the news of our little poppy seed with anyone. My husband was in the air for the next three hours only to touch down briefly and get back up for another four. Panicked isolation.

Three: I knew buying that mouse was premature. Knew. It.

I knew that I couldn't do anything about it at that point. I tried to remember that, to surrender to a what will be, will be calm, but let me tell you that is much easier said than done.

Fortunately, my third beta was today. It should have been at least 500.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

It was 710.

and no further tinge sightings.

giddy

2009-10-15T15:04:00.002-04:00

via (anuk.marek)

It doubled! My second beta is 125!

Undoubtedly, there is still a long way to go.

But, for the first time since seeing those glorious double lines, I'm feeling a little giddy.

2009-10-15T08:31:00.004-04:00

via (Laurence 2)

It's raining, we have no more umbrellas, one lost, one taken, the right cuff of my pants fell out, paper clips aren't an effective solution, I don't know if I will make it until this afternoon, when we find out the results of the second beta, please stick.

please stick.

2009-10-13T13:44:00.005-04:00

via (bliss)

I got the results of my first beta.

62.1 at DPO13

I sure do hope its a keeper.

to dream

2009-10-11T20:14:00.019-04:00

For so long this has been such an impossibility.

So although it doesn't seem at all real, this is my new reality.

I can't yet say it out loud, so I'll write it down very quietly.

I am pregnant

I am terrified and thrilled. but most of all thankful. very, very thankful.

centered

2009-10-09T08:56:00.003-04:00

via (remodelista)

Thank you for all of your kind and wise words. They help so very much.

This morning, I feel much less preoccupied.

more centered.

very happy.

Too bad I can't always pull the brakes on that runaway train of thoughts.

circles

2009-10-07T09:28:00.006-04:00

via (sophie cuvelier)

waiting. waiting. waiting.

I try to stay distracted. To focus on anything and everything else. But it is simply unavoidable.

Maybe I am. I'm sure I'm not. What are we going to do next? Maybe there won't be a next. When should we start thinking about adoption? Domestic? International? Maybe I am. I'm sure I'm not.

over and over. around and around.

It's enough to drive someone crazy. It might be driving me crazy.

I don't know why some cycles are so much harder than others.

This one is brutal.

generations

2009-10-02T14:37:00.005-04:00

via (NicaMom)

The weekend is almost here and I'm very much looking forward to this one.

Tomorrow is my newest nephew's baptism and family members that I don't get to see too often are coming, including my Grandma. She's 92 and my most favorite person in the world. We just understand each other and that is a rare and special thing. I love her so much and really cherish every minute we get to spend together.

Surely, this weekend will be a bit bittersweet. My Grandma will be meeting this great grandson for the first time and snuggling her other one. Lucky little lads. I will just have to keep on hoping that someday our babies will get that same chance.

My brother lives a bit to the north of us. We were up there last weekend and already the leaves were being kissed with color. Maybe, on our way home, we'll be able to make a little trip to pick up some apples from the orchard. Maybe fall's not so bad after all.

slipped away

2009-09-30T09:49:00.004-04:00

via (abless)

I know. I know.

Summer has slipped into fall. But I just can't help myself. I want to linger in those long, warm days a little while longer. But seeing as I reached for a jacket this morning and have been eating oatmeal regularly - truely fall indicators - I suppose this picture will have to do.

My husband and I decided that we'd take a vacation from interventions this cycle. Given my startlingly early ovulation, disappointing lining and failed iui, I felt like I had some questions about what to do next. However, with the blur of home ownership/home selling, I didn't have enough answers. I don't feel comfortable blindly walking into a new treatment or repeating the same. So, no meds for me.

Just some good old fashioned love.

Gone Fishing

2009-09-24T11:10:00.014-04:00

Sadly, our camping trip never happened this past weekend. Our good friend and outdoor companion came down with the flu, so we decided to postpone our adventure for another day.

We did, however, take to the *wild* and had a little fishing expedition on the Potomac.

It was a very nice afternoon.

via (me)

we interrupt my infertility to bring you

2009-09-17T14:41:00.009-04:00

(gap)

the best cords. ever.

The fit is fantastic (beyond comfortable), the colors are so good (the yellow is pretty amazing) and the price is perfect (I got mine for an additional $15 off).

Cords might be one of the few things that I look forward to as summer drifts into fall. And stumbling upon this pair makes the transition that much more tolerable.

pump the positivity?

2009-09-16T10:13:00.006-04:00

via (i_hear_noises')

This was easy to feel when I was strolling in the gorgeous weekend weather with my pups, working with my husband to pull our place together, thinking about all of the wonderful things that we have going for us.

Good families, good jobs, good relationship.

of course it could be worse.

but, as good as it is, it remains incomplete.

f it.

2009-09-13T14:19:00.006-04:00

via (laurence 2)

This was how I felt/feel towards my fertility situation after yet another negative test.

f-you fertility.

distractions

2009-09-09T17:58:00.007-04:00

via (Charles Fredrik)

Our labor day weekend might not have been relaxing, but it was successful. We managed to perform a much needed *face lift* on our bathroom, complete (almost) a patch on a plaster wall, and declutter our apartment (for the most part). All that's left (ha) is to touch up some paint, move the clutter to a temporary storage unit, attempt a *face lift* on the kitchen, install new shades and clean, clean, clean.

While I don't particularly look forward to sanding spackle after a long day of work, all of this home improvement business has pretty effectively distracted me from the loathsome two week wait. I'm at DPO 6. just waiting. and wishing.

Thanks for all of the congratulations on the house. It really is a fine place and happily, the home inspection, conducted earlier this morning revealed that there are no big issues!

labor day

2009-09-04T08:53:00.003-04:00

via (Matt?!)

There will be no weekend trip to the ocean for us this labor day weekend. Instead, there will be lots of spackling, painting and other home improvements - all intended to spruce up our current apartment. and get it sold.

because

got

the

house

amazing!

so long city life?

2009-09-02T14:19:00.005-04:00

Yesterday really was quite a whirlwind.

I had intended to take the morning off from work. There is no medical need to do that after an IUI - at all - but I thought it might be nice to go home, relax and will the meeting of sperm and egg. However, my blackberry kept nagging me with all kinds of things that could only be done, in-person, at my office. No rest for the TTC-weary.

Then, after the day that I thought would never end, my husband and I . . .

put in an offer on our first house!?!?!

It's really a nugget of a little home. We fell in love at the open house this past weekend, went back for another walk-thru Monday night and then took the plunge yesterday. What sealed the deal, aside from being a pretty darn ideal property, was the fact that there are tons of young families in the neighborhood. On our second walk-thru, we showed up around 7:30 and the streets were full of families taking walks, riding bicycles, etc.

It's definitely a move to a more suburban spot - we currently are in DC-proper in a super neighborhood, but could never afford a similar house in the area.

Due to some extenuating circumstances (current owner of the house is in the hospital) we might not know whether the offer is accepted until tomorrow.

more waiting.

Until then, a preview (please don't let the posting of these pictures somehow jinx our offer)

I'm an enormous fan of having upstairs bedrooms. I attribute this irrational desire to growing up in a split-level ranch.

I am also an enormous fan of nook entrances and front doors with little windows.

A fireplace seems wonderful, especially now that the weather is starting to crisp up.

Oh, office, with your windows, so maybe, just maybe I can revive the 31 year-old Christmas cactus that is dying a little more each day. The succulent was a present to my husband's mother when he was born and then given to me by my mother-in-law, no doubt as a sneaky test. A test, which by the looks of its withered state, I am failing miserably.

We currently have a galley kitchen that is so narrow I cannot open either the refrigerator or dishwasher. Enough said. Except, maybe I should mention that I'm also an enormous fan of having a window over the sink.

Considering that this house is from the 40's, the bedrooms are all unusually roomy.

Not to mention cozy.

And there's space for a garden.

It really is too good to be true.

projecting

2009-09-01T13:46:00.005-04:00

(via MonikaElenaPhoto)

Much has transpired since I last updated.

Last Thursday, I went to my appointment for blood work and an ultrasound. Everything looked normal, so after clearing some pretty hefty bureaucratic hurdles (aren't the biological ones enough) and swiping my debit card for a cool $1200, the iui was on. I was scheduled for a monitoring appointment this coming Saturday, to watch for ovulation. However, on both Sunday and Monday mornings, my home monitor indicated a high reading. Back to the RE's office I went, being afraid that if we waited until Saturday, we'd completely miss ovulation.

At first, the nurse(s) and Dr. were very skeptical about the accuracy of my monitor. At that point, I was only a week into my cycle and that is EARLY for ovulation. But, lo and behold the ultrasound revealed a mature follicle and the blood work confirmed that I was "surging".

I picked up and self-administered (after a small pep talk) a trigger shot last night, along with ANOTHER drug to help fluff up my uterine lining. So many drugs for someone that rarely likes to take advil.

This morning, my husband departed for the RE's office to *contribute* his part only to find out that due to renovations, there was no longer a collection room. What?!? He had to race back home, do what was needed and then race back down to drop off the sample. Talk about pressure.

I showed up an hour later, was told that despite the craziness that ensued earlier that morning the *sample* was stellar. Before I knew it, the iui was done.

************************************************************************************

I'm not feeling particularly optimistic about the outcome. Realistically, given the paltry state of my lining, the iui is not likely to be successful. However, I think that I/we have learned a lot from this little exercise. I very much hope that this knowledge will inform any future cycles so that one day the picture I posted can be of me and not some stranger that I wish was me.

support

2009-08-27T09:54:00.006-04:00

(uncredited)

I know that when I started writing about our struggles to start a family, I was hoping that it would be a somewhat therapeutic experience. an outlet. for something that I was too afraid to admit to myself. but something that was beginning to suffocate me.

I'm don't think, at that time, I fully appreciated just how the support and understanding of people that I have never met would come to mean so much. You have all been so generous with your time and your thoughts, whether you are experiencing this struggle or not.

It's good to no longer feel so alone.

booties

2009-08-26T15:56:00.004-04:00

I must confess that I am not so partial to closed-toe shoes. I am simply happier in flip flops. But, that preference poses problems as the seasons change and the temperature drops.

So, I find it rather surprising, given the aforementioned aversion to proper shoes, that I find myself recently obsessed with booties.

booties.

even the word itself is offputting.

but, nonetheless, here I sit, longing for a pair.

actually two. (at times, I can be very greedy)

This persistent new preoccupation took hold shortly after I spied this cover on one of my favorite blogs:

cover of the sundance catalog via (bliss)

so good.

I sourced this version and think it would do just fine. Kind of like an outdoor slipper. Which really is a near-cousin to the flip flop:

And then, for the occasions when I'm feeling more fancy, because I am experimenting with being more fancy, this pair is speaking to me:

I know. I know. I need to save my money now that I am acting as my own infertility insurer. But, for some reason, I just can't shake the want.

Though, maybe, if the unthinkable does occur, I can commission another one of my favorite bloggers to knit a pair of these:

via (wikstenmade)

Because maybe booties are just for babies after all.

hope

2009-08-25T16:10:00.006-04:00

via (e m i l y ♥)

The emotional journey that is infertility takes its toll after a while. It is an understatement to say that being flung back and forth between hopefulness and disappointment is difficult. It is impossible not to get discouraged.

But, at least for now, the hopefulness has returned.

Over the weekend, my husband and I discussed our options. While they are far from ideal, we've made the decision to move forward with a clomid/iui. The monitoring that occurs during this process was the deciding factor. I'm starting to feel more and more like there is a potential implantation issue. Ultrasounds will confirm that I actually ovulate and will also be able to provide information about the "state" of my uterine lining. My health insurance doesn't cover any of this. Since we would be paying for all of these monitoring costs already, our doctor suggesting that it might make sense to go ahead and add the "insemination" part.

The logic makes sense to us.

I just called and made the appointment.

I have blood work and an ultrasound scheduled for this Thursday.

I feel hopeful that regardless of whether the iui portion is successful, at least we may have more answers than we do now.

Here's to hoping. Please stop letting us down.

2009-08-22T15:54:00.006-04:00

via (mirjan.)

maybe it's the rain. maybe it's because I have to work all weekend. but, i'm pretty sure that it's because, for the first time, I'm truly starting to realize that this isn't going to happen.

at least, not the way that I had thought.

i've been pushing down the truth. however, at least for today, it's not letting me brush it aside.

but, how can i make the decisions i'm facing when i don't have the information much less the answers.

i feel so discouraged.

so very sad.

again

2009-08-20T09:25:00.007-04:00

via (we heart it)

shit.

tears at work.

again.

another negative.

almost able to hold it in.

but feeling so overwhelmed.

sweet

2009-08-18T13:34:00.005-04:00

via (me)

Our weekend with the little guy was wonderful.

My sister-in-law had a relatively smooth pregnancy, but there were complications during her labor.

A knot in the umbilical cord had tightened to the point where due to a lack of oxygen the baby's heartbeat stopped. As my brother tells the story, it was a tense couple of minutes as the doctor (thankfully, very calmly) took control of the situation and literally pulled him out. It was later reported that the doctor wasn't certain that there would have been enough time to do an emergency c-section if the pulling was unsuccessful.

A story like that makes you realize just how fragile life can be. Thankfully, this life is also amazing.

It was so lovely to see how naturally my younger brother and his wife assumed their roles as mommy and daddy. A perfect little family.

I don't know if there is anything sweeter than a newborn yawn.

brand new

2009-08-14T09:45:00.006-04:00

via (me)

That little love is my brand new nephew.

When my phone rang at 3:00 am Thursday morning, I was hit with a combination of excitement and disappointment. I was so thrilled that the little man was about to make his arrival, but unfortunately I was in a hotel room in Denver missing the entire thing.

My husband, however, went up to the hospital and gave my nephew some kisses for me (and took these fantastic photos). He also walked their dog, trimmed their bushes, helped fix their a.c. There is no doubt that he is a good guy.

J and I are headed up to their house this evening so that I can finally meet this sweet little bundle.

quiet

2009-08-11T16:15:00.007-04:00

via (rockstar diaries)

Sorry it's been so quiet around here lately. I have been swamped at work and even though only a little while ago I mused about all the non-fertility topics that I could write about, well I just haven't done it yet.

By way of an update my younger brother is about to have his very first baby due this Friday. My older brother just announced that they are expecting their second baby in March.

I'm truly thrilled (honestly, my family makes really, really, really cute kids) to continue on in the role of aunt, but I'm really hoping this recent waive of baby is contagious, because I'd prefer the title of mom.

So I'm at DPO 3, right in the midst of the "agony of the wait." We attempted another progesterone-only cycle. Hoping that it's what is needed.

Now, I'm off to Colorado on a very last minute business trip. I'm excited because it's a state that I've never been to, but think that I will love. Though, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be back in time to personally welcome my newest nephew into the world . . .

To everyone reading out there. Thank you so much for the support. It means so much.

weekend

2009-07-31T10:15:00.005-04:00

via (me)

A week back at work after a reasonably long vacation is never easy, but I'm nearly through it. I can't wait for what I hope will be a relaxing weekend. I've got a good book and I'm planning on spending some time with it on the above-pictured couch.

Yesterday was a bit bittersweet.

The sweet part of the day was that in this down economy, I was fortunate enough not only to receive a raise, but also a bonus. Financial security is a powerful thing and I am thanking my lucky stars.

The bitter part of the day was realizing that instead of paying down student loans, renovating our kitchen, or taking that trip to New Zealand, we will probably need to use all of our thus-far saved pennies to *buy* our family. My insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments, so whether we decide to adopt or opt for medical intervention we are facing some steep costs.

The frustrations seem to be coming from all angles these days. Get me to that couch . . .

a perfect afternoon

2009-07-30T12:43:00.006-04:00

via (me)

When we returned from the beach, we were not ready to reembrace reality. So, we ignored the piles of laundry and list of errands waiting for us at home and instead continued our vacation. If having ice cream twice in one afternoon is the measure of anything, it was indeed a good day!

painful reminder

2009-07-29T15:35:00.003-04:00

via (daytrips)

why, when my heart is already hurting so much, does there have to be such a pain in my belly to to remind me further?

salt air

2009-07-26T21:21:00.007-04:00

via (me)

We just got back from a vacation in North Carolina. It was such a luxury to wake up each morning to the ocean and the sun. I think that I'm meant to live near the water, but somehow I've managed to wind up miles from the shore.

Together with my father, older brother, his wife and their baby, we strung together a week of perfectly contented leisure. I only wish that it could have continued for a bit longer.

I promised myself that I would not take any pregnancy tests while I was away. I can still vividly remember last year - We were all together at the same place, though my older brother was absent (baby too young) and my younger brother and wife were present (absent this year because expecting first baby in August). It was our second month of trying and for three of the mornings, I snuck into the bathroom with a pregnancy test, so damn hopeful that the there'd be a second line. Of course there wasn't and there hasn't been.

This year, I waited until we got back to Washington.

negative.

Right about now, I am wishing that I was back on the front porch of our rental house, sitting in a rocking chair, taking in the breeze, looking out over the ocean, and hoping.

a perfect pause

2009-07-14T08:59:00.006-04:00

(via Neil Krug)

This weekend was just what I needed.

A new haircut, good times with friends, camping in a backyard, the most delicious garden-grown tomato salad.

I think though that my most favorite bit was realizing that a hotel pool in our neighborhood offers day passes. My husband and I spent Sunday lounging and swimming and reading.

It was the perfect pause and the kind of day that just is summer.

the after

2009-07-12T16:34:00.006-04:00

via (me)

I quite like it.

especially after a dip in the pool.

the before

2009-07-10T17:44:00.002-04:00

via (my photo)

Tune in soon for the after . . .

three years

2009-07-08T08:57:00.007-04:00

7.8.06

Three years already. Yet, it seems like we were just standing under that big old tree, newest of newlyweds and so very happy.

So far, being together has not been without its bumps and bungles, but those moments are thankfully few and insignificant.

Our life is pretty lucky.

On our first anniversary, mostly by happenstance, we went out to a lovely little restaurant that had a charming patio. The night was warm, the food was delicious, the company was perfect. After finishing our meal we were in agreement that the night must not end just yet, so we strolled down the street and stopped into the neighborhood bar. Towards the back of the room I spied a photo booth. When I saw it, I knew. Every anniversary we'd take a photo booth picture. Marking the years. A tradition was born. We jumped into the booth. Twice.

Such a great night.

The following year, we set about recreating that evening. We went back to the lovely little restaurant, but when we got there we were told that the kitchen was closed for renovations. I was slightly devastated and if you had sampled their food, you might have been too. But, I also knew that it wasn't the food that was so sentimental to me, but rather keeping the tradition of the photo booth. So, we walked down the block. The bar was open. good. We went inside. The photo booth was still there. thank goodness. We pulled back the curtain, only to see piles and piles of napkins. and a sign. Out of Order. At that point my heart sank. I don't think that one year makes a tradition a tradition. As that was the only booth in DC, we were at a loss. We walked and walked. Finally, thinking that melted cheese might be a delicious distraction, we went into a mexican restaurant. As it turned out, it was not a very good mexican restaurant. In fact, it was a very bad mexican restaurant. But, it was so bad that, at this point, we found finally were able found the humor in the situation.

I'm not sure what is in store for us this evening, but I hope that we can keep on keeping our sense of humor about things and maybe find a new family tradition along the way.

not yet

2009-07-01T15:45:00.004-04:00

(via Loveology)

My husband is not a father and I am not a mother.

yet.

but we do have each other.

and I am very glad for that.

ups and downs

2009-06-29T18:36:00.002-04:00

(via +yooco+)

I'm still floating around in limbo. waiting.

I'd managed to remain a bit less detached during the past few cycles. Ever since that damned double yolk egg, I wised up to the fact that I need to guard against *foolish* optimism or risk that ruthless, stinging disappointment.

But, with this cycle's medical reinforcements, I've been forced to become more intimately aware of this process than ever before.

The good news is that it's DPO 12 and there's not been a hint of spotting. Nothing. At. All.

The bad news is that I tested on DPO 9 and 11 and both were negative.

Up and down.

Up and down.

beach bound

2009-06-26T15:11:00.003-04:00

Zwei (via valériee)

My husband and I are nearly off to the beach for a weekend with friends. I was truly meant to live at the beach . someday . . .

In other news, to borrow a term from a blogger friend, Hillary, I am in the midst of Spotwatch 06.09.

So far, nothing. not even a tinge.

Perhaps those prometruim suppositories were just what was needed. Though, delayed spotting has fooled me before, so I'm hesitent to start feeling wildly optimistic just yet.

Maybe more desperately hopeful?

I'm hoping all of my dips into the ocean will adequately distract me over the next 48 hours.

Hair Trim or Hair Cut

2009-06-24T14:15:00.006-04:00

Just so you're not left with the impression that all I ever do is sit around and ponder my fertility, here is a post dedicated to my hair. Specifically, what should I do about it currently unruly length? I tend to go to the salon only about twice a year.

I'm am toying with the idea of cutting off many inches. I can almost feel the freedom, the lightness, the change.

almost. then I remember how much I love long hair.

Here are some of the inspiration pictures that are tempting me towards a less is more approach with my mane

via (camp comfort: Tuesday, Hair Day)

Father's Day

2009-06-23T14:10:00.008-04:00

picture by me

My mother and grandmother came into town this past weekend for my sister-in-law's baby shower. My little brother is expecting his first bundle at the end of the summer. Being nearly three years older than my brother and married for a year longer, I was expecting to have to field a lot of, "so, when are you and J going to start to have children . . ." but was relieved to completely avoid any such inquiries.

The shower, as far as showers go, was really quite nice. I was in charge of decorations and they turned out swimmingly (if I do say so myself), the food was delicious, the group of ladies were great.

Only a few times during the afternoon did I let my mind drift off to thinking about my own much less round belly. Mostly because L and I started this whole baby-making process around the same time. We talked about how much fun it would be to be pregnant together. How our little ones would be such close friends. Although it took L a few months to get pregnant, she did. And with each successive month , that hope of "sharing" a pregnancy became smaller and smaller. Though, I'm still going to believe that while they might be a little further apart in age, our children will have the closest of friendships.

Because my mother was in town, the evening before the shower, we went to church. The Catholic church in our neighborhood only had a noon mass, so we went to one just a little further away.

St. Ann's

This, according to my mother, was a good thing, because (I confirmed this by Wikipedia) St. Anne is the patroness saint for childless people. Apparently, according to the bible, Anne and her husband, after years of childlessness, were visited by an angel who told them that they would conceive a child and they did.

At one point during the mass, the priest said something to honor all of the Father's for Father's Day. I leaned over and whispered to my husband that I hoped so very much that he was a father on that day, that there was a little bean just beginning to grow. Seeing his face, acknowledging and so wanting for the same thing, my heart just about broke.

But, if I was right, well then maybe soon it can be swelling with joy.

distractions

2009-06-16T16:31:00.005-04:00

I think it's stating the obvious to say that infertility can be expensive. Whether the choice is made to move forward with treatments or adoption, the costs can be fairly staggering.

What I didn't expect was the following:

As of late, I've observed that our failure to get knocked up is seemingly having a negative effect on my budgeting abilities. While I should be diligently saving for a whole host of worthier things, it seems that I've been nurturing a rather serious shopping habit over the last couple of months. Above is only a smattering of some of my indulgences. I'm not saying that they aren't lovely, but perhaps I need a new coping mechanism . . .

2009-06-15T14:03:00.006-04:00

(via nicole hill)

It's been a little while since last I posted.

Life has been rolling along. We've had a pair of weekends spent at home, which with all the summertime travel was much appreciated. We were able to get in a mini-road trip (windows down of course), lots of ice cream (specifically, root beer floats), dinner with friends, dinner alone, crafting projects for an upcoming baby shower, homemade pizza, a couple of baseball games and the list goes on.

This weekend, we traveled up to my mother-in-law's for a visit. Unfortunately, due to some pesky allergies, I sneezed through the majority of it.

We've also had some more time to process the information from our last doctor's visit. I went to my local pharmacy and picked up the prescription for clomid. At that time, being on the fence about whether it was for me, I didn't know whether I was going to take it or not. However, with nothing to show from our previous efforts and feeling like the options are limited, I popped the little pills diligently for 5 days.

Now, I'm waiting.

and worrying (did I make the wrong choice? is this delaying ovulation? should we have just gone au natural one more month?)

Prior to this process, I was never really a worrier. Perhaps, this new injection of second-guessing and concern is just a realistic introduction to motherhood . . .

Update

2009-05-28T13:40:00.001-04:00

free fall (via monsieur oiseau)

As promised update:

Despite being meet with: "lots of good news to share, lots of good news"

What we actually heard - mind you without a lot of bedside manner - was that:

(1) Medical science has no idea why we don't have a baby
(2) Despite that lack of knowledge, interventions are our only hope

hmmmm. not exactly what we were hoping for.

I was truly expecting that there would be some type of secondary round of *diagnostics.* More sophisticated tests, specifically designed to eliminate all of this *unexplainedness.*

Apparently, that is not the case.

We simply fall into a category and then the blunt objects that are fertility inteventions are waived in our face.

her: "I would recommend clomid and iui"
me: (referring to the clomid) "I thought I didn't have a problem ovulating"
her: "Well everything seems to be pointing to the fact that you don't, but this is basically our frontline intervention"
me: (apparently not effectively explaining that while I'm not necessarily against interventions per se, I would like to understand that they are actually serving a purpose and not simply being prescribed because that is what's done for everyone. I'm not everyone dammit.) "It kind of seems like 'trying to force a square peg into a round hole' approach." (also, apparently confusing my analogies)

unexplained infertility is frustrating.

having an apathetic doctor who claims to be empathetic is frustrating.

I think a little bit of time to mull all of this over will help. But right about now, I'm back to where I was when I began this blog - fighting back the tears as I sit in my office (and contemplating running away to live a simplier life in the Caribbean)

getting ready

2009-05-28T10:57:00.003-04:00

getting ready (me)

Above is a photo of me getting ready for a friend's wedding down in lovely Charleston, SC this past holiday weekend. It was a full of friends and good times.

I'm back in DC and getting ready for something entirely different. My follow-up appointment with our *fertility* doctor. And while it doesn't involve deliberating between three pretty dresses, at least my husband is coming this time and that will make it better.

I'll pop back in soon with an update . . .

2009-05-20T16:52:00.003-04:00

photo by (me)

I really wish that I could see into the future and know how this will all work out.

2009-05-19T08:54:00.006-04:00

(via abless)

We didn't quite make lemonade yesterday, instead something more like watered down, unsweetend lemon water.

What on earth am I talking about, you ask?

The HSG test wasn't so bad. Quick actually. And more importantly, it's a test with instant gratification, as one can learn the *outcome* right then and there.

The verdict: My tubes are free flowing. No issues to be found. The final diagnostic and another perfectly normal result.

So why all of the above allusion to bitter water - because we are right back to where we started, no baby and no idea why.

I hate not knowing. It's a pretty powerless position.

Next steps, back to the doctor's office with my husband to review my three normals and his one normal.

Here's hoping that this doctor has something else up her sleeve.

Lemonade

2009-05-18T13:39:00.004-04:00

lemonade (via tielsk)

In mere moments, I will be off to have an HSG. I'll spare you the specifics, but it's basically a test to confirm whether my fallopian tubes are open and unobstructed. I could have/should have done this months ago and I really can't say why I've been so stubbornly avoiding it.

But, today, I'm going in. And hopefully I'll learn something helpful.

Maybe, finally, all of these lemons will be squeezed into lemonade.

Privilege

2009-05-11T12:28:00.009-04:00

(Anais via Cup of Jo)

Whew.

Do you know how after you notice something for the *first* time, you start seeing/hearing it everywhere? Well that is what pregnancy and babies are like for me these days.

e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.

This weekend was particularly saturated.

Let's start with Saturday. My husband and I had traveled up to Boston for his brother's birthday party. I had breakfast with my former college roommate that I hadn't seen in seven years! It was great to catch up, but seeing as she was 8 months pregnant, it entailed a decent amount of baby talk. Well actually, lots of baby talk.

Then at the party, which was a small gathering of around 15 people, there was a 4 month old and a 16 month old. The were awfully cute, but they sure did a smashing job at sucking up what seemed like all the conversation and attention in the room.

Oh, did I mention that someone else shyly announced they were 8 weeks pregnant.

Congratulations!!**

Somehow, the conversation turned to our family plans.

My retort, "I'd better open another beer, this thing seems contagious."

Oh, to live a lie.

Then is was Sunday. Mother's Day. We caught an early flight home. The weather was gorgeous. Called my mom. Had a lovely afternoon. I was fine. Then we started watching "The Business of Being Born."

It's a movie about maternity care and labor practices in the United States and basically argues that it is better for the mother and child, as well as society on the whole, if this country were to return to a more midwifery-focused, less hospital/medical intervention-laden process.

I find this to be a fascinating subject and was watching the film with the necessary emotional detachment. That is until a very eloquent midwife was saying something or other about how the entire experience, from pregnancy though labor is incredibly life-changing. something about the privilege of giving life to another being. something about the bond. seeing a new mother breastfeeding her infant for the first time, with tears rolling down her face from the powerfulness of the moment. then, the tears started rolling down my face.

I want that experience and am terrified it might not happen.

**Fortunately, I am not to the point where I begrudge other people their offspring. I truly hope that I never have to reach such a dark place. I'm just to the point where I would rather it be me making that shy announcement**

nice weekend

2009-05-08T09:32:00.007-04:00

(via danske)

It's been awfully quiet over here.

I've been struggling with what to post while I'm idling away in conception limbo. It's really a rather redundant process and there are only so many ways to say

"I'm *really* hoping that this is it!"

But, as it turns out, I don't think that this is it.

I just returned from my very first work travel. I was not looking forward to it. at all. I couldn't imagine anything more awkward than spending hours upon hours with a partner at my firm. What would we talk about? The trip was not the terrible ordeal I had envisioned. It was fine.
But, it was also difficult to be away from home when that dastardly spotting came a calling. I tried my mightiest to suppress any disappointment/emotional response. So, as you can imagine, the last night, safe in my own home, my own bed, I had a bit of a cry.

But, I awoke this morning feeling great. I think that I'm finally to the point where I can stop stutter-stepping around what remains of my fertility testing and just get it done. Get some answers. Start seriously considering what comes next. Plus, the sun is shining and that really does a gal some good.

We're off to Boston for my brother-in-law's surprise 29th birthday party. His crafty girlfriend thinks that the surprise will be, well, more surprising now as opposed to the big 3-0 when he might be expecting a fuss. sly. very. sly.

Can't wait to get up from my desk and go celebrate with friends!

*************************************************************************************

Still have to figure out how to keep this place lively during those aforementioned interludes. Perhaps, I need to devote that time to some non-fertility posts.

Oh, the possibilities.

2009-04-28T10:57:00.007-04:00

gala. (via Elle Moss)

The days have been coming and going. Slipping by seemingly without any change, yet marking time.

Last week was my birthday. I'm not one for making a big fuss about it and I don't mind becoming a year older. What I do mind, however, are odd numbers. I just turned 31, though I'd prefer to skip right on over to 32. It has a much better ring to it, don't you think?

More importantly, and despite how much I do not want to acknowledge it, I am reaching a milestone that is bigger than a birthday.

This is the cycle. The one that sticks you with that label - infertile - Unlucky Number 12. Despite being an even number, it is not one that I'm particularly fond of right now. And wouldn't you know it, on this most pivotal of times, my lovely husband once again had to fly off for a business trip. So, I fear there will be no climactic ending for this cycle . . .

I really hoped it would not take this long.

maybe this is what we should be doing . . .

2009-04-23T17:43:00.000-04:00

if i could put it in a jar . . .

2009-04-16T09:06:00.008-04:00

(via .trevor)

Finally. It stopped raining. Sunshine just makes me happier. Sunshine and warmth - well, then I'm downright giddy.

Tomorrow, I head up to NY for my best friend's wedding. We've known each other since a fateful gym class brought us together back in the seventh grade (something like 18 years ago!!) and through those many years we've shared so many moments together. There have been those times that we laughed 'till we cried and others when we've cried 'till we laughed. Do you have a friend like that? One that maybe you no longer get to see as often as you'd like, but that when you do, it is as if no time has passed at all. It is a special friendship, definitely more like a sister, and I can't wait to share in their celebration.

Come on sun - shine down on their day!

2009-04-10T08:34:00.009-04:00

Nathan Coley's Structures

I think that I mentioned somewhere back a couple of posts that while this cycle would no longer require an immaculate conception, it would be something of a long shot.

Well, as the picture reads "there will be no miracles here."

Though the pangs of disappointment are more dull this month, they are still there.

Right now, I just want answers. Guess I'll be needing that HSG after all.

dreaded day seven

2009-04-08T12:21:00.002-04:00

sunset balloons by TiaraMia

Today is that dreaded DPO 7.

The day that can either dole out disappointment or hoist my hopes.

Because of last cycle's overly inflated optimism, I'm trying to be more like these balloons pictured above - floating with expectation, but remaining tethered to reality. . .

saturday strolling

2009-04-06T13:43:00.005-04:00

The rain stopped and the sun came out.

a fool for petals

2009-04-03T09:00:00.008-04:00

blossoms via polaroid (via mrs. french)

Before moving to D.C. I heard all about the cherry blossoms.

I am a fool for flowers, generally, but there is really something special about these trees. So fluffy and gorgeous, petals floating down like snowflakes. I could sit under them for hours.

Right about now they are *peaking* and I can't wait to take our pups down to the tidal basin for a proper viewing.

That is if this rain would ever end.

Spring is delicious, if misty.

*******************

Hillary, thank you so much for the Lemons and Lemonade nomination. Your posts and comments have provided me with so much support.

Here's the information on the award:
1. Put the Lemonade Award logo on your blog or post
2. Nominate blogs that show great attitude or gratitude
3. Link to your nominees within your post
4. Let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link to the person from whom you received your award

As I'm quite recent to the scene, I am still in the process of finding blogs, but there is one that I stumbled upon where, when I read certain posts, it is almost as if I wrote the words. Please check out elle.

hello handsome

2009-04-01T14:26:00.009-04:00

Meet the newest member of our little family. He is an eight month old ball of love.

Seriously.

I don't think that this fellow could be any more happy-go-lucky.

So far, his transition into our home is going smoothly, though, for now, our eight year old golden mix is set on ignoring his presence. I'm thinking that his sweetness will win her over soon enough

While his name is still up in the air, Emmett/Emmitt is currently the front-runner.

In TCC news, due to a ill-timed business trip, I was thinking that I'd need an immaculate conception to get knocked-up this cycle. Even though last cycle I could hardly imagine a cycle off, I was welcoming the break with open arms. However, my lovely husband managed to change his flight and come home a day early. So, though the odds are against us this month, at least there's a sliver of a chance.

pick-me up

2009-03-27T08:52:00.004-04:00

Hello Friday, I'm so glad you are here.

This has been a tough week, not due to any TCC issues, but because I've been under the weather and swamped at work. Analytical thinking, or any kind of thinking for that matter, is terribly difficult when you feel like the bottom of a boot.

But, I think that I'm on the mend and should be feeling fine for the weekend! I so enjoy that day, after an illness, when your strength and energy return. When there's such an appreciation for feeling healthy.

In TTC news, I'm waiting for the big O, which seems to be somewhat delayed this cycle. My trusty monitor normally gives me *highs* starting around DPO 9 (early, early) and I typically O around DPO12.

Well today, is DPO 11 and I just got the good word to proceed without caution. Good timing, I suppose, seeing as I just got my moxie back . . .

In far more exciting news, I think that, if all goes well, we might be welcoming a new furry member of our family tomorrow - details to follow. But for now, I'm taking suggestions for male dog names . . .

Any suggestions for boy dog names.

and so it goes

2009-03-17T09:19:00.004-04:00

owen gildersleeve (via mint)

A few days can be enough time to let the light shine back through, even if it's only peeking in at this point.

Initially, I felt so foolish. Mostly because I allowed myself to be relieved.

Relieved that maybe this *infertility* business would be over, that we would never have to have another test, that there was nothing ever *wrong* with either of us, that I wouldn't be put in the difficult position of deciding whether to undergo treatment (something I am absolutely confused about), that we wouldn't have to endure all of the emotional ups and downs of an adoption, that our baby would be close in age with its cousins, that we would be parents.

Now I've had a small while to process that we are back at the very place I felt so relieved to leave.

But, I have to make room for hope between all of this anger and sadness.

Life goes on and we're going to make it a beautiful one.

crushed

2009-03-14T11:31:00.010-04:00

(via elseachelsea)

My plan of trying to avoid this day by sleeping through it was off to a terrible start. At 5 a.m. - my mind racing, full of thoughts, expectations, hope - I finally couldn't take it anymore and got up to take an HPT.

negative.

I wasn't too disappointed at it's early, DPO9, and still no spotting.

I went back to bed, but couldn't quite rest, so I started my day. Took a shower. Walked my pup to the grocery store to get some strawberry jam and butter for a tart I was planning on bringing over to my friend house this afternoon. Returned home, took the laundry out of the dryer.

Checked for the 204th time.

but this time.

tinged.

The Harbinger

2009-03-13T10:22:00.006-04:00

(via *Cinnamon)

Yesterday, was the dreaded DPO 7. That's typically when the spotting comes and dashes my hopes for a given cycle.

With the exception of December (and that's because I inexplicably became wrapped up in the possiblity of a Christmas miracle), I haven't been too optimisic about these past few cycles.

I've come to expect disappointment. And while each disappointment is not easy, I think it's somehow easier to accept when you aren't hopeful.

But this cycle, I'm completely unable to manage my expectations.

They are floating higher and higher. I think that I could almost describe myself as giddy with excitement and anticipation. And giddy is not a place I think I want to be when it all comes crashing back down to reality.

I think that it all started with cornbread. We were baking some cornbread and I cracked an egg with two yolks. The next day, my husband made a comment that he thought that little egg with its two yolks was a harbinger. I know, I know - you're obviously thinking it and perhaps we are grasping at straws. A two-yolk egg? really. There are some other reasons too, but I don't really feel like delving into that right now.

Now it's DPO 8 and there's still no sign of any spotting. I keep popping into the bathroom about every half hour to check . Nothing.

I need a distraction . . .

knocking at the door.

2009-03-12T13:56:00.008-04:00

(via Kdashy)

hello? can anyone hear me? I'm ready.

Please let me through . . .